If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
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Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Animal poetry