Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I love art.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Order here:
More here:
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer