If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.