If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Try and stop me.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?