me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!