Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit