@trevso_electric: If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says "LMAO," it stands for "let's murder Albanians overseas" and he wants his daughter back.
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@_Ms_Moneypenny_: Friend: Can I borrow a pen? Me: Sure! *looks in purse* *pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat* Me: Sorry, no pen. :(
@OtherDanOBrien: [Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* "It's...an empty box." *silence* "Oh honey, I love it!"
@Ygrene: Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm 'Predicting Cat Behavior' is complete! Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*