@trevso_electric: If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says "LMAO," it stands for "let's murder Albanians overseas" and he wants his daughter back.
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@jessokfine: [Me at job interview] And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
@FlipPrincesss: Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies? I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
@Bryainiac: I don't know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn't even try to get out.
@MatCro: ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back? GF: Yep M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?