@trevso_electric: If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says "LMAO," it stands for "let's murder Albanians overseas" and he wants his daughter back.
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@jwoodham: INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in? ME: What do you mean "if" Harry Potter was real?
@david8hughes: [leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting] I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.