@trevso_electric: If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says "LMAO," it stands for "let's murder Albanians overseas" and he wants his daughter back.
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@TheToddWilliams: [boxing match] ANNOUNCER: ...and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy "The Baby" Sanchez CHAMP: That's a real baby TRAINER: You got this
@squirrel74wkgn: Sorry honey, I didn't get you anything for Valentine's Day. Wife: It's not until next week... [one week later] Sorry honey, I didn't...