@trevso_electric: If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says "LMAO," it stands for "let's murder Albanians overseas" and he wants his daughter back.
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@TheCatWhisprer: My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
@shariv67: Tonight I'm going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I'll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
@Mr_Kapowski: *returns lost dog* Lady: That's not him. He was white Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward
@geo_teira: [at a restaurant] Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out. Waiter: yes ma'am, that's the continental drift breakfast.