@StansaidAirport: If you removed every blade from a 747's engines and laid them end to end, you'd go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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@TheAlexNevil: I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: "If I wasn't already dead, your outfit would've killed me".
@Underchilde: Therapist: Do you have any regrets? Me: Well, this one time— Therapist [pinches bridge of nose] Other than buying fat-free salad dressing.
@BoogTweets: Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me "Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon"