If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Meow
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
This made me chuckle.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did