@StansaidAirport: If you removed every blade from a 747's engines and laid them end to end, you'd go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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@jimmytorosian: *phone rings* Wife: "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me (a dad): "Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It's for you." Wife: "...."
@bumble_weed: If a tree falls in the woods it usually tries to do that awkward jog to make it look like it didn't trip but hahahah it did. It totally did.
@murrman5: *opens fortune cookie* there's rice on your face *grabs wifes and opens it* still there *grabs one from next table* I can do this all night
@krautsider: Top 4 horrified face expressions: 4. dragged away by crocodile 3. stabbed by serial killer 2. mauled by bear 1. no toilet paper