If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.