If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
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Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.