If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave