If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Buying a well is money well spent.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”