If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
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Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.