@JasonLastname: If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you'll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
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@timbolton1: BREAKING: A man who took an airline company to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.
@DamienFahey: Please pray for my friends' 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn't photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
@rockymomax: [baby finally falls asleep] ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
@BigBagOfScum: My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.