@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
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@kibblesmith: The genie sang that whole song about how he's gonna be Aladdin's best friend ever right in front of the monkey
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'd like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please." Man: "That isn't how a food bank works, sir."
@Pro_Jones_: *Listening to red hot chili peppers* Me: You call that music? I can't even hear anything! Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
@jctwritesstuff: [Date] Me: You're a scientist? Him: Yeah M: You like chemistry? H: M: Wanna get in my genes? H: M: *slow winks* H: Are you having a stroke?