@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
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@C00LpenNAME: Why are we wasting time on all these "beware of dog" signs? I’ve never met a cat that wasn't obviously plotting to kill somebody...
@JediGigi: Friend: I need your advice. Me: Wear less eyeshadow. Friend: I meant about my love life. Me: Friend: Me: Friend: Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
@ruinedpicnic: me: did you check the suggestion box boss: we don't have a suggestion box we have a paper shredder me: MY DRAWINGS
@BenjaminJS: Martin Shkreli at prison commissary: "Can I buy shower sandals?" "That'll be $700" "I thought it was $13.50" "The price suddenly went up"