@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
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@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
@Donna_McCoy: You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
@PinkCamoTO: If you think Lord of the Flies couldn't happen, you've clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
@RidiculousSheri: I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.