I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
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To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot