If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis