If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed