If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
You Might Also Like
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.