If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?