If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*