If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
so weird how every mom was born today
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.