If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
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Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄