kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
me and the Superbowl rn
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.