If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
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I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I get distracted pretty eas
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.