If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
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2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law