If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
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If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.