If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
BETRAYAL
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.