If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
everyone’s a critic
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I am a gravy boat captain