If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?