If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
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my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Breaking news:
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
uncle dave has been through hell
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?