If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
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When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.