If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Optional boss fight.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
this is 10/10 content no notes
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.