If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
You Might Also Like
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.