A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert