Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
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my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
reviewed some movies recently
Not😆🤣
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets