What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
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I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
This one’s “Alex”.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away