If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
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Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere