If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
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Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
look at me when i’m typing to you
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Damn what did I do next
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads