If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Sunday
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I have no passwords left in me
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Tough love is true love
congratulations to them
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.