If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
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shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
kevin is now a local weatherman
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile