You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster