You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
But wait…
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen