@NoticablyBacon: If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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@Dutch_50: I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes? ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
@erikbransteen: Kanye West tweeted that Bieber's 'What Do You Mean?' was 2015's best song. The "...which wouldn't happened without me" tweet coming soon.