If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?