If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably