If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
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If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.