If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
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all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets