If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
🤣😂
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook