If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
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I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…