If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
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Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.