If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
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Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.